Back on the reading list (ish)

bleekerhillI have had a very interesting last couple of months. I’ve just checked my Massive Book List and I started reading Anna Karenina (my current book) on the 11th August!!! I managed to get almost half way through it, but other events have overtaken me and I have decided to admit defeat, for now. I usually read and come back to books, so this is a pause for AK and not the end. Most of my spare time since august has been spent writing, sending stuff off to agents, doing nanowrimo successfully and going to writing club.

I am sat here on a Sunday afternoon with what is shaping up to be a nasty cold (man flu) and a wish to read something that is not Anna Karenina. I have had my eye on the next book in my list for a while, and although I want to finish AK, I need a break; even though I just had one! I’m starting Bleeker Hill by Russell Mardell this evening.

I still have lots of writing to do.

I still have lots of work to do.

I still have a cold and don’t want to use my brain. (Those two things are related for once!)

but here goes with Bleeker Hill...




The Journey – by me 1997(ish)

I wrote the following in 1997 when I was 20/21. I was at University at the time and could see my future stretching in front of me. This is a very personal piece of writing to me, mainly because I have come back to read it a few times over the years and it always rings true. I’m also not going to comment on it at all, I will save that for another time. Suffice to say that my current journey is underpinned by this sort of sentiment.

For now, here is the text with the original hand written version below. A 20 year old’s letter to the world at large and to his older self – me.

We all know what life is, but most of us don’t make of it what we want, it makes us what we are. This is wrong in the deepest sense of the word, although words do not express anything with enough power. The greatest writer in the world can merely point the way. We, our minds, must make the words mean something. This is one interpretation of individuality.

To make your life what you want, you must work at it and a perfect life is one where no boredom can be found. To truly experience life and all it can give one must experience every aspect and feeling possible. Even the negative ones. I suppose (contradicting myself) boredom is one of those feelings, but again life must be worked at to lose that boredom or pain or anguish or frustration. But it must all be experienced.

The fear of death, the only true fear, must be conquered, must be seen and lived and dealt with. I once read a quote that said “those who learn how to die have unlearned how to serve”. While this is very true, the fear of death should be maintained to keep a person living. If complacency sets in a full life will not be lived.

We must strive to achieve happiness and contentment.

I, and everyone, can only comment on life from one viewpoint. Later, I will stress my doubts about my life, but for those in other circumstances these issues don’t even get considered.

I worry that I am not going to do anything with my life. I see so much in this world that can be done, for myself and for others and I am worried that I will not do it. I could spend a life time striving to achieve  trivial goals, this idea is spawned from my past life. I have lived a life of relative achievement; succeeding through school, college and now university. If I am to continue along the same path, I will complete university and achieve a job and money. But in the long term this is not an achievement at all. Apart from the achievement of wasting my time on this planet. I see myself living a life of monotony. Waking, working, eating, sleeping and living in between.

True, work must be done to survive, not just to provide an income and a way to live. The multitudes live like this. I have said before like a lot of little bees in a big fucking hive. They don’t think of anything but making honey. They don’t consider their surroundings. They don’t dream. This is where humans differ. We do dream. But we don’t act on this information that is given/created by us. we just think “what if”. if we do have a purpose on this earth it is definitely not to do what we are doing. To fight to eat, to basically wait to die. We should be united. Racists fuck me up. They are so close sighted as to look at people from the outside. If you look at THEM from the inside they can be shallow hatred creatures. But every human is not just one emotion, one action.

I want to know everything
I want to know everything of importance.

The Journey 1 The Journey 2 The Journey 3 The Journey 4 The Journey 5 The Journey 6 The Journey 7